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grog_d_unkindly

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Why is this so hard? [Nov. 14th, 2018|01:20 am]
grog_d_unkindly
I keep trying to bring up that we just aren't right for each other and somehow it gets put on hold. I've now attempted it twice, and both times I'm too soft hearted to really drive in the words I want to break up. I've said well then lets break up a few times when fighting, talked about how we don't communicate well multiple times etc. I've never just gone full stop I'm done, lets call it off. Every time I do I know I'm just ripping her apart and I hate hurting people and somehow it gets back to being put on hold. I've never started with "lets end this" it's always in the middle of some other argument and I really know I should just start with that. Is there ever a good time to hurt someone you love respect and admire but know you just are not right for each other? She thinks my depression is getting worse, my depressions getting worse because I have this looming over my head constantly. Our relationship is not bad, but it is not good enough for forever, and it's killing me that I see this and she refuses to. I'm not who she needs, and she's not who I need, but she believes I am. I don't ever expect a perfect relationship, but if your partner causes you to cry every few days just because they react and interact the way they do... it's not working. There's never a perfect time, and I can't keep hoping that she will realize this herself because she isn't letting herself see it. Instead she just keeps asking me to be someone else, and I just accept she's not. Ugh, wish there was a user manual for this shit, maybe I wouldn't have fucked up so badly in the past because of it.
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Somethings gotta give [Nov. 9th, 2018|10:48 pm]
grog_d_unkindly
[music |Dirty Heads - Sounds of Change]

S is off on vacation with her family... and I'm happier than I've been in a few weeks. I don't feel the pressure of having to live up to her expectations or being who she needs me to be. I've been bouncing it around in my head all day and the answer is I stay in this because it's safe and I am overly risk averse especially considering my relationship history. The relationships I had where I was in it for the long haul all ended in train wrecks. Other long term relationships I didn't consider long term, they just were. I think the reason I'm so adverse to just saying it's done is because I feel like then I've truly failed. I can't stay like this however. I'll talk to her when she gets back and explain how I'm not happy in this relationship.
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daily [Nov. 5th, 2018|11:57 pm]
grog_d_unkindly
everyday I log in and stare at a blank page wondering what I could possibly write about that would not be just me dealing with my usual bullshit... and everyday I usually immediately logoff after checking a few pages. I wish my head worked properly and I didn't occasionally lose a week to depression.
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being awake at the right time [Oct. 29th, 2018|03:11 pm]
grog_d_unkindly
Why is it so difficult for me to sleep during the night and be awake during the day?
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planetside2 [Oct. 26th, 2018|11:59 pm]
grog_d_unkindly
So today was a 4x exp day in ps2, all I wanted to do was play. I did not get to do that, instead getting into drama which admittedly is more my fault than anyone else. Now we aren't talking. This is a first and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
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dreams [Oct. 20th, 2018|06:28 pm]
grog_d_unkindly
Dreamed I called C about something last night, can't remember what it was about but it was just normal talk. It was a weird combination of happiness and guilt.
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blah [Oct. 12th, 2018|07:36 am]
grog_d_unkindly
currently at writers block again, staring at the blank program not sure where I should start. That is the plan tomorrow then, break it down into as many pieces as I need to until it becomes manageable.
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SQLite whee [Oct. 10th, 2018|03:54 am]
grog_d_unkindly
ok, it should not have taken this long just to get SQLite working on my standalone windows form c# app. Programming is so much easier if you have someone to help with the stupid gotchas. BUT it's working. Now I just have to figure out how to make post calls with c# and I have all the weird things I didn't know how to do beforehand figured out, then, it's just the really hard things that I somewhat know how to do to figure out, and the tedious boring shit I know how to do just don't want to build.
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writers block [Oct. 6th, 2018|03:51 am]
grog_d_unkindly
So I'm sitting here thinking of this project I want to build and I'm having writers block... it's annoying because I'm stuck on the very first question. Do I want a standalone app I can leave running on my desktop, or do I want something on a website, or do I want to make a mobile app? I'm thinking standalone desktop app will be the easiest and the most annoying at the same time.
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responsibility [Oct. 5th, 2018|03:43 am]
grog_d_unkindly
[music |MXPX - Responsibility]

I know what I need to do to get a job, but somehow I keep not doing it. I need to write code. That's it, I just need to stay up to date, with a current resume. Somehow I keep not doing it. I keep freaking myself out over the projects that I want to do, and all the time, my code skills are getting rustier. I know it's already going to take me 4x longer than it should to write anything just because I'm going to have to look up simple crap like how to post to heroku or something dumb is going to bite me in the ass like that. I already told myself tonight that I was going to start on this, then... I escaped into fantasy land of video games and books. I'm a good programmer when I can actually program. I wish I knew what this mental block I have against starting this project is. I jokingly listed that song, could it be the reason? Do I view actually writing code for real as "growing up" and somehow I dislike that or even fear it? I don't know, but I cannot languish any longer. I either write code and get a job as a coder, or I never do and find myself a complete failure in my own eyes.
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