|why I've not been posting.
||[May. 3rd, 2019|02:58 am]
I'm lost in my own head. I mean I've at least been programming so something good has come of this. I've been thinking and trying to understand why I haven't been posting here. I made a deal with myself that I would try to be someone I could respect again, somehow regain a sense of self worth that's required to become who I want to be. Over the years I have felt my sense of value to myself fade just a piece here, a piece there, over and over again until we result with what I have when I made that long post about getting better; which is I do not value myself at all. I've seriously considered just leaving everything and fading away. I cannot do that. I felt amazing that day, I had hope, I improved, I got better and then I didn't. I backslid hard. |
My dream life since highschool is I wanted to be the host. I wanted a house where any of my friends could come and take a day off from their life. Where I could provide safe harbor for anyone who needed it, and be there for them. Likewise that included any significant other. I want to be the rock that someone can build off of, I need them to need me, and I need to be able to be there for them. I cannot be that rock right now, I can neither afford it, nor am I emotionally stable enough to be that for someone at the moment. Every decision I'm making right now I'm second guessing, I'm questioning, I'm... not who I once was, and not someone anyone deserves to have inflicted on them at this time. I've retreated from my friends, I've retreated from my family, I've isolated myself because none of them deserve to have to deal with this unstable mess that I have become. I've lost the core of who I am.
I'm honestly ashamed of what I have done and become, and I can't post here just the same crap about depression and how I feel when nothing has changed and all my efforts feel like pissing into the wind, it's unfair to everyone... so I didn't. Conversely, despite all the bad days and backsliding, I have not given up. I am working at things, I am improving, and one day I will be able to look myself in the mirror without shame. I worry when that time occurs that I'll be alone having pushed everyone away out of shame, anger or whatever else is going on in my fucked up head. I hate that I have this dichotomy of both needing someone to be my rock, and not being able to handle someone being my rock because I need a rock. I also cannot ask or expect someone to be my rock if I cannot be there for them in all ways, and I've dug myself into a corner in that regards.
I also think that I was looking at this blog the wrong way. I wanted to catalogue all the little steps I accomplished along the way to improve myself. I wanted to show that I was worth something. I wanted to use this to somehow be a showcase of my achievements no matter how small that I could use this to maybe restore some of my self worth... some way of pointing at it and going "this shows I'm worth it." I can't do that. I need a base of self worth that I can say I'm worth it from before I can view any of my accomplishments as worth it. I'm going to start using this blog to catalog even the lame and stupid attempts as well as what I'm thinking of that day... I won't promise every day as I've proven myself unlikely to succeed in that goal, however I need to start including even the attempts, not just the successes.